Friends, are friends forever?

I’ve never been one to have a great many friends in my life. For as long as I can remember I was that girl that had just one or two close friends or a very small group of friends around me. Making friends was and is not something that comes naturally to me and neither is keeping them unfortunately as I’m growing increasingly aware of, not for a lack of trying on my part; perhaps not hard enough though. 

I really struggle with this. Am I the only one? I really struggle with making friends and maintaining friendships. It just seemed like I would make friends and learn to trust them and they would be the very people who would suddenly turn against me for no apparent reason. For instance in my neighbourhood, everyone suddenly decided one day that it was okay to turn against myself and another friend of mine, making it very difficult for us to join them in anything. In high school, a group of my girlfriends (all girl school) one day just all stopped talking to me, except for one or two again, and they wouldn’t explain what the reason was?? So I guess I learnt very early on in life not to trust this thing called friendship and to guard my heart; so I erected what is equivalent to the Walls of Jericho around my heart. I always keep my circle small, so small at one point that it was just I and another, my closest friend ever at the time; but this ended horribly, the ramifications of which I am still recovering from today.

Needless to say over the years I was and am still learning to trust again, to risk with people, to let my walls down, to walk transparently and to learn to be a friend to them. Last year was a tough year friendship wise, not that this year is any better :/. I remember beating myself up black and blue because I was keenly aware of all the people I just never managed to connect with and would have liked to. I felt as though I was the worst friend; that I had let them down and disappointed them. That they no longer would look at me in the same light again: Tshepi who cares and is interested in their lives and well-being, Tshepi who is present, Tshepi who loves them, Tshepi who they could depend and rely on, Tshepi who was there. Truth is I was not there, they knew it, I knew it and I hated myself for it, for not being able to be there in ways like I had been in the past AND that they too knew it and felt it. That I had hurt them and in some ways continue to do so, unintentionally, but I still do. Am I the only one?

I don’t really have anything profound to share except that I’m really struggling with this. I want to be a good friend. I want to be there for those I consider to be my friends. If you look at it, I was really concerned about self-preservation I’m ashamed to say. Harder still perhaps is to admit to myself that my life has changed, significantly so and so has my capacity for many things. I’m also realising that I can’t be there for everyone like I want to be; that I can’t be all things to all people, I have tried and I have failed, miserably. This is hard for me to admit, me who for so much of my life have based so much of my identity on being able to be there for others and them seeing me in that light. I no longer see myself that way, but you see my point..

I’m struggling to figure out life, to manage it. I’m struggling to find the time for everything and for everyone and for myself. I am struggling to be okay with the fact that not everyone will be okay with me at the same time, that at times I will hurt and disappoint people; the very ones I consider my friends, that I will let them down, that they might not like me much, that they might start to believe things about me that aren’t really a true reflection of who I am in my entirety but perhaps only in that moment and that that moment will define who I am for them forever. Not only who I am but Christ whom I want my life to reflect at all times; this is the hardest one! Sigh. Yet it’s true, I am the mess that they think I am. I am flawed, I am at times selfish and self-focused, I am not who they expected me to be and even I expected myself to be. Man. Sigh.

I am also realising that I cannot control this, how i am seen that is. I am having to let go and forgive myself for how I feel I have failed the very ones I say I care about and love, how I have failed to be present in their lives as I have been trying, still am, to navigate the fact that my life looks NOTHING like it did at the beginning of last year, NOTHING. This does not excuse me or absolve me at all of the responsibility I have as a friend to nurture and tend to the growth of my relationships with them, to reassure them of my presence and love. I would get really defensive about it, saying things like: ‘with the history that we have built over the years how can she/he doubt our friendship’? ‘Clearly they don’t know me and our friendship is not as deep as I thought it was, how can they think that about me after all this time, have I not proven myself?’ ‘I wish they would ask me why I have been so m.i.a instead of assuming that I don’t care, can someone just ask me how I am doing and wait long enough to hear the response’. Anyone? Am I the only one? Why you ask? Because again I wanted to preserve the image. 

Where's the grace Tshepi!! Ai! If I stop long enough to put myself aside though, I realise that perhaps that was their way of just expressing that they valued what we had and are hurt it is no longer that way, not a personal attack against my character. Even more amazing is how brave they are, how they risk being vulnerable with me, putting themselves out there, being honest with me! How they value the relationship by speaking up and not being silent. I can't say the same about myself, it's the hardest thing for me to open my mouth and speak, bleh. However I am realising that I cannot preserve the image and I don’t want to anymore. The truth is this is a struggle, a major one for me. I sit here and wonder still, am I ever not going to at any given time, not be hurting someone or disappointing them? Needing God’s grace! Can friendships survive this? Can we start over?

I want to be a better friend. I’m just feeling a tad overwhelmed.

Am i the only one?