It's Okay

I know what it's like to feel as though you have failed at life. I know what it's like when yet another birthday approaches, and all it serves to do, is remind you of how far you have failed to come, as opposed to how far you indeed have come; because far you have come. The deep sense of disappointment at having achieved much but feeling as though you have achieved nothing, because what you have achieved somehow does not fit in to your own ideas about what success is and more so what society deems as successful, more so for people in your age group.

And so enters shame...I need to cover this up. I need to rationalise it so that not only does it make sense to me but it needs to make sense to others. To those who ask me why I'm still single when my peers are married with children. To those who ask me why I'm still not living on my own. To those whose eyebrows arch when they hear that I'm between jobs and I'm still trying to figure out what it is I want to do, what it is I'm truly passionate about. To those who find it difficult to understand why it seems as though my life isn't going anywhere, why it seems as though I am not thriving. Good gosh I too ask these questions sometimes. I too wonder.  I too question, Lord how come? Sigh. 

This past year God has shown me how futile an exercise for me to try and answer these questions for myself and for others. Sometimes, simply, there is no answer or an answer that is satisfactory enough. Life is what it is, at this present moment it is what it is and that's okay. It's not to say that it will forever remain this way, that things won't change, change is constant, good or bad or just mediocre. I have learnt that I can live on nothing and still have everything. I have had to learn humility and to swallow my pride and allow others to do for me when my independent (proud :/) self was screaming no. More and more I am understanding in my heart that my standing or position or worth in life is NOT tied to what I do or don't do, to what I possess or fail to possess, to what I have achieved or failed to achieve, or how far or not so far I have come in life, but to Whom I belong.  The funny thing about life is that some days are good, others not so good, today I'm employed, tomorrow maybe not, today I have wealth but tomorrow the markets could crash. The funny thing about people is that their opinions of you change constantly, today you're in their good books but tommorrow is a different story. There is only One who is constant, whose opinion of me is constant. 

As another birthday approaches I am learning to be. Be myself, be in the moment, be right here right now, whether good or bad or just mediocre, to be. To feel, the here, the now, the joy, the pain, the doubts, the fears, the disappointments, the questions, the suns rays on my skin, the warmth of another's embrace. To hear, the laughter and giggles of my two year old niece :), the melodious sounds of conversations taking place all around me, my Father's still small voice. To see, others as He sees them, not just what is visible but the invisible, the what cannot be explained by human understanding. 

So, I choose to live in this moment, because this moment right here, right now, is okay. The present is okay, it's what I have, I can't control the future, I can't undo the past. Me, I am okay, broken, not perfect, not yet whole and that's okay because my hope rests not in me, but in Him, the One who holds me together, the One who knows what my future holds, the One who is in my present.