God has been speaking to me through a song from the CD, It's called "The Voyage".
Lyrics in italics :).
"speak, even if your voice is trembling, please, you've been quiet for so long, believe, it will be worth the risk you're taking..."
For as long as I can remember I've always struggled with expressing myself verbally.... Expressing myself through written form has never been an issue (case in point :p) but the verbal expression has often times than not found me tongue tied and swallowing my words or even more likely than not, just remaining silent. Makes for very awkward social settings :p
I can't say if a part of me just never believed that i actually had something worthwhile to say or if I just felt that even if I were to speak It just wouldn't matter really. I guess I must have learnt that somewhere but not only did I learn that, I believed it to be true and from that "truth" I then lived. For you see, the things we believe to be true in our hearts are the places we live from, from which we engage life from, from which we relate from, with others and dare I say with God.
O I had a lot to say, still do :), and I said it too, in my head :/. I just could never say it out loud. I'm not talking about anything profound as such but even just my opinion about simple things, just such a struggle...
"You're afraid"...
Fear, that large tree that stands in front of you, its roots long established in your being. The rings around your heart, the evidence of years it has taken residence there. Its bark, the scaling wall around your heart, there to protect you, but also keeping the very nutrients you need to survive out. Scales they are, for if you were to peel them away you would see that the Phloem no longer performs its function to carry sap to the rest of your being. That the growth in diameter that the Cambium provides has been stunted as fear conquers and takes more ground in your heart. The Xylem now dead and though the Heartwood is there, it is weak, it cannot support you...
Too scared to ruffle some feathers; to upset the apple cod. Too scared that if you were to actually open your mouth, others might come to see the inadequacies that you see in yourself; the insight that you feel you lack. Too scared that your words might offend them, might actually challenge them, might even challenge you. Too scared that they'll reject you. Perhaps even too scared that contrary to what you have spent your whole life believing, what you have to offer, to give, through words, might actually matter...
...but you can hear adventure calling, there's a rush of adrenaline to your bones, what you make of this moment changes everything "..
Is it any wonder that I now find myself in situations where more than ever I feel the need to speak up, then fear steps in and I feel as though I cant. At this point I have two choices to make: 1. I bow down to fear and have the life sapped out of me (which I have allowed for years), which is what fear does; it prevents you from living or 2: bow down to the God who is love and let His love fill every space in me that is fear driven. My counsellor helped me to realize something a few weeks ago: to remain silent when you know you are to speak up is in effect to agree with and in actual fact contribute to things staying the same when they need to change...
It is so much like my Father to place me in these circumstances, where keeping quiet could potentially be harmful for me but also to those I am in a position to speak to, for. Yet where speaking up allows me to experience more of His love, so much more of freedom in Him.
"What if the path you choose, becomes a road, the ground you take, becomes your home"...
To speak or not to speak, that is the choice... over this period I have felt the Fathers prompting to speak, to challenge, to question, to encourage, to confront, family, friends, strangers, those in authority over me, eek. These might seem as simple things but for this mostly silent girl, what giant mountains they have been. The times I have chosen to be obedient to His prompting to speak up I have felt Him in it, His peace, even when my voice was trembling, in the very literal sense. He has given me the courage to face the noise, to face the fear, to face the possible rejection. The times I have chosen to keep quiet have been the loudest, the resounding sounds of my voiceless thoughts assaulting my mind and heart, screaming to be let out.
"the wind is high, but the pressure's off, I'll send the rain, wherever we end up, wherever we end up"...
More and more I am learning to depend on Him. At just the right time He provides the words to speak, He provides the courage to speak them out, He provides the strength to receive the response; positive and negative. I can't do it on my own, for I am at times only able to see the large tree in front of me, inside of me. Perhaps then speaking for me is not so much so that I am heard, but perhaps it is for me to hear the voice of Him who speaks and enables me to speak..
And so I hear Him gently whisper "for the longest time your focus has been on the magnitude of the tree. Take a step back. Do you not see the vastness of the body of water that surrounds it, the lush green around it. Increase your vision. The tree is not as big at it appears to be, but you won't ever see that if you don't step back to see what's around it; look beyond it. Be still, do you see the ripples in the water, even a gentle breeze is powerful enough to move a body of water, how much more powerful My voice to give voice to your voice, the wind of My love to carry you to where you need to be..."
"I am the wind in your sails, I am the wind in your sails"...
"Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety" Proverbs 29: 25
"speak, even if your voice is trembling, please, you've been quiet for so long, believe, it will be worth the risk you're taking..."
For as long as I can remember I've always struggled with expressing myself verbally.... Expressing myself through written form has never been an issue (case in point :p) but the verbal expression has often times than not found me tongue tied and swallowing my words or even more likely than not, just remaining silent. Makes for very awkward social settings :p
I can't say if a part of me just never believed that i actually had something worthwhile to say or if I just felt that even if I were to speak It just wouldn't matter really. I guess I must have learnt that somewhere but not only did I learn that, I believed it to be true and from that "truth" I then lived. For you see, the things we believe to be true in our hearts are the places we live from, from which we engage life from, from which we relate from, with others and dare I say with God.
O I had a lot to say, still do :), and I said it too, in my head :/. I just could never say it out loud. I'm not talking about anything profound as such but even just my opinion about simple things, just such a struggle...
"You're afraid"...
Fear, that large tree that stands in front of you, its roots long established in your being. The rings around your heart, the evidence of years it has taken residence there. Its bark, the scaling wall around your heart, there to protect you, but also keeping the very nutrients you need to survive out. Scales they are, for if you were to peel them away you would see that the Phloem no longer performs its function to carry sap to the rest of your being. That the growth in diameter that the Cambium provides has been stunted as fear conquers and takes more ground in your heart. The Xylem now dead and though the Heartwood is there, it is weak, it cannot support you...
Too scared to ruffle some feathers; to upset the apple cod. Too scared that if you were to actually open your mouth, others might come to see the inadequacies that you see in yourself; the insight that you feel you lack. Too scared that your words might offend them, might actually challenge them, might even challenge you. Too scared that they'll reject you. Perhaps even too scared that contrary to what you have spent your whole life believing, what you have to offer, to give, through words, might actually matter...
...but you can hear adventure calling, there's a rush of adrenaline to your bones, what you make of this moment changes everything "..
Is it any wonder that I now find myself in situations where more than ever I feel the need to speak up, then fear steps in and I feel as though I cant. At this point I have two choices to make: 1. I bow down to fear and have the life sapped out of me (which I have allowed for years), which is what fear does; it prevents you from living or 2: bow down to the God who is love and let His love fill every space in me that is fear driven. My counsellor helped me to realize something a few weeks ago: to remain silent when you know you are to speak up is in effect to agree with and in actual fact contribute to things staying the same when they need to change...
It is so much like my Father to place me in these circumstances, where keeping quiet could potentially be harmful for me but also to those I am in a position to speak to, for. Yet where speaking up allows me to experience more of His love, so much more of freedom in Him.
"What if the path you choose, becomes a road, the ground you take, becomes your home"...
To speak or not to speak, that is the choice... over this period I have felt the Fathers prompting to speak, to challenge, to question, to encourage, to confront, family, friends, strangers, those in authority over me, eek. These might seem as simple things but for this mostly silent girl, what giant mountains they have been. The times I have chosen to be obedient to His prompting to speak up I have felt Him in it, His peace, even when my voice was trembling, in the very literal sense. He has given me the courage to face the noise, to face the fear, to face the possible rejection. The times I have chosen to keep quiet have been the loudest, the resounding sounds of my voiceless thoughts assaulting my mind and heart, screaming to be let out.
"the wind is high, but the pressure's off, I'll send the rain, wherever we end up, wherever we end up"...
More and more I am learning to depend on Him. At just the right time He provides the words to speak, He provides the courage to speak them out, He provides the strength to receive the response; positive and negative. I can't do it on my own, for I am at times only able to see the large tree in front of me, inside of me. Perhaps then speaking for me is not so much so that I am heard, but perhaps it is for me to hear the voice of Him who speaks and enables me to speak..
And so I hear Him gently whisper "for the longest time your focus has been on the magnitude of the tree. Take a step back. Do you not see the vastness of the body of water that surrounds it, the lush green around it. Increase your vision. The tree is not as big at it appears to be, but you won't ever see that if you don't step back to see what's around it; look beyond it. Be still, do you see the ripples in the water, even a gentle breeze is powerful enough to move a body of water, how much more powerful My voice to give voice to your voice, the wind of My love to carry you to where you need to be..."
"I am the wind in your sails, I am the wind in your sails"...
"Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety" Proverbs 29: 25
